Reflections: “tightrope highwire”

Tags

Deep Thoughts, Love, reflections, relations

Is it possible to fall in love again?

The kind of emotions that take your breath away when you realize they still exist.

When do you realize there is a possibility?

Is it when that first kiss makes the world around you stop, and four minutes later you both realize it’s just the first date?

Is it when you realize you not only opened the restaurant for dinner, but closed the bar, the whole time wrapped up in each other like newlyweds?

Or perhaps when you watch him show off his various works of art and points of professional achievement, puffing up like a proud peacock, and rightfully so. You are anything but bored, and are fascinated by the working of this other persons brain.

Maybe when you look across the room at him and realize that the ache deep down inside that has been hurting for so long is starting to subside. Not because of someone else but because you look down and see that the wounds of the past are faded to scars.

There are many things we look for in love. Not just a long term relationship, but a forever future. A couple needs to be compatible on multiple levels and really be someone you can grow and grow old with. Someone to share all the incidentals of life with. Your lover. Your confidant. Your honeybunchsugarplum. Your best friend. The person who will be honest with you no matter what, even if you are having fat day and your hair looks like crap.

We give people chances to be that person in our lives and ourselves in theirs. Sometimes you realize a week in that it’s just better to cut bait quick before it gets anymore tangled, or you give it a few months and work out some bumps. Either way each party knows their deal breakers and it’s best to knock those suckers out quick in my humble opinion before you waste a year of your life on what will just end up being a shoe box of memories.

When my last marriage died I lost my husband, one of my best friends, my comic relief, my sunshine, my hero, my love.  It was excruciating. I missed having that connection and I wanted it back so badly. I had a lot of healing to go through both mentally, emotionally and physically, and a lot of growing up I had to do. I stupidly tried everything I could think of while the wreckage of what was the fairy tale was burning all around me. Nothing could or even would be able to fix it. There comes a point in life when you just have to survey the wreckage, take notes and move on. Staring at the flames of the plane crash isn’t going to do anything but dry out your skin and make your eyes itchy.

It’s been a long road. I’m at a point in my life where I have so much love to give. So much laughter and smiles to share. A passion for life and learning. I have identified things I need, things I want, and of course “panty droppers”. I’ve stepped out on that tightrope highwire of love a few times and been scared to death. It’s a long fall and it’s so easy to get hurt. If you want to have a relationship work you can’t just give it 90%, it’s going to take 110%+ and from both people. Just when you think you have identified a “low-risk” candidate something comes along and makes you realize it’s not the wisest investment even though it’s categorized as a “low risk”.  One goes running back to the safety of the platform, having your muscles shake in terror as you look down realize you could have fallen and there was no safety net to catch you.

Then leave it to me to have a “high risk” investment come by, and I being the hopeless romantic say “what the hell” and step on that highwire. My muscles shaking in terror and I hoping that the clowns in the ground crew put up a safety net just in case my partner on the other side of the tightrope isn’t able to meet me in the middle. I’m holding my breath… I don’t want to fall alone again.

Here’s the catch…. you don’t have to have a “safety net” or someone on the other side of the wire to catch you, you can catch yourself.

Princess Brave

Tags

Deep Thoughts, Family, Health, Kids, Life, Love, medical

As the medical tech tied the rubber band around my arm to make the veins pop up I knew it wasn’t going to be easy.  She thumbed the spot for a few seconds to try to see if there may be one that was more useable than another.  It’s never an easy process of of late as there is some scaring from multiple medical procedures and I’m sure my dislike of needles dosen’t make it much easier.

As the needle finally penetrated my skin and I saw the red liquid flow I didn’t want to see how many vials the tech was taking.  With every passing minute I felt more and more drained.  Surely she would get enough blood by now, surely they had enough vials full of my blood to test.  But no, it kept going and going and going.  The life was slowly being drained out of me and I had no energy to fight it.  No strength to even keep sitting up straight I was soon slumped over and could feel my body drying up on the floor.

Ok so not really.  But pretty darn close. I have been remiss in keeping up on my writings lately.  I have been sick with one thing after another, after another, after another.  I choose to spend my energy on my family as opposed to keeping up my writings but in the past two days I have had more energy than I’ve had in well over two months so I’m making small attempts to come back to the land of the living. 

There has been small joys in all of this.  I am learning more and more every day that you have to focus on the positive, on the good.  There is a way to find the fraction of good in most things, it just takes a not so good situation sometimes to make you see it. 

One thing I have enjoyed is focusing on my kids in a very deliberate “Mommy can’t run around with you but I will gladly cuddle you for hours on end”.   This has resulted in lots of cuddle time and lots of memories being made of that quality time that you can’t buy in any store.

Elle has become quite the explorer and her newest fascinations include cheerios, stealing my cell phone and “pretend typing” when I am on the computer.   Seeing as I spend more time than I like in bed, she has become quite the explorer of our bedroom and seems to find something new every day.  Finding cheerios in my bed in the middle of the night is totally worth it when I remember how she babbled when I placed a small bowl in front of her while she was propped up against some pillows.  It was like she knew that eating in bed was a treat that won’t happen when Mommy feels better.   I love just watching her as she goes about her day in her own happy little world.  I can loose myself in her giggles and grins, it’s so easy to just stare at her in amazement.

Meggie is just the cutest thing ever, we pray together for Mommy to get better and she comes in to give me hugs, kisses and artwork totally unprovoked.  She has discoved the joy of kids movies on the internet, the three of us (if Bill is home) will stack the pillows up in bed, grab the laptop and watch a kids movie.  She gets lots of cuddle time and we will get more time to discuss what we are watching (love the pause button) as we go.  I had to take a trip to the emergency room awhile back, Meggie was a bit under the weather so she went back to see the doctor with me (kill two birds with one stone!) .  While they were sticking my arm with needles I made sure to look straight at her and smile, telling her that what the doctors were doing didn’t hurt enough to complain about and that it was going to make Mommy better.  “Mommy next time I have to go to the doctor I’m going to be princess brave like you.”  How cool is that?  I was “princess brave”.   My beautiful little Meggie is growing up and every day she amazes me more and more.

Even though I feel like death warmed over more often than not as of late, and I’m sure there are days I don’t look much better than that, I am so incredibly thankful my my wonderful husband.  He has been there through everything and I could not ask for a more supportive and loving man.  When you say your weddings vows “in sickness and health” you get visions of growing old together and all the stuff that goes along with that.  You don’t picture being younger and in what should be the prime of your young life.  Throughout our whole relationship I have been sick more often than not, Bill has been to hell and back with me over this time, and I’m looking forward to having many, many, many more years with him (just hopefully healthier too!)

So if I can clear allergy season (ha ha funny! Especially when you live in this allergy ridden part of the country and are allergic to everything, seriously) I am really working at getting somewhat back to the land of the living.  I have focused on the things that are important, my kids and my husband and tried not to think of the things out and about I have missed out on, but focused on the good stuff.  I have missed the land of the living and active and am really trying to make a comeback.  It’s not gonna come quick, or probably even really soon, it’s in a higher powers hands and “helps those who help themselves” is very valid.  The best I can do is be “princess brave” for not only my family but for myself, better days are coming, not that there haven’t already been better days.

Friends

Tags

Friend, Friendships, Life, Love, Relationships, Thoughts

Friend:  A person you know well and regard kindly:  “She was my best friend when we went through our first year of motherhood together.”

Friend:  A supporter either in actions or financially:  “This program is brought to you by friends of WRED.”

Friend:  An ally in any situation:  “He was right there with me kicking butt in that bar fight.” 

Friend:  An example of loyality:  “Even though he is no enemy of mine, he wronged my best friend, therefore I have no reason to care to associate with him.”

Friendship is a fine line to travel.  We guard our true selves close and pick from our fellow humans friends, some of those friends become best friends, and in some cases even closer than family.

One of my oldest best friends and I go back to the very early years of our lives.  Even though we have taken different paths at times in our lives we have remained close.  She moved from the friend file into the family file years ago, she and her family are an extension of mine.  Even though we may not communicate every day I know that we will be friends for the rest of our lives.  She and her husband are my daughters “godparents” so to speak and I couldn’t ask for better for my girls.

Another dear friend of mine is realtively new so to speak.  What started out as a business lunch, a couple of years later we still haven’t shut up.  If my phone bleeps with a text late at night I am 99.9 percent sure it is her texting me her newest idea or responding to mine.  We are different in the ways that give us a fun challenge, yet where things really matter we understand and appreciate the other.  She has made me thankful that I endured the business meeting that was our first interaction.

Someone else I hold dear was a romantic relationship of mine for many years.  Not only close with me but also formed a bond with my daughter. Nowadays even though we are not romantically involved he has transitioned into my best guy friend aside from my husband.  He is a part of the family and we talk just about every day, an odd looking friendship from the outside but that’s never been a concern.

My “sisters” are the family that I have chosen, we chose each other.  They are not of blood and to us that does not matter.  Our individual families have grown accustomed to the extenstions and references.  We don’t take our sisterhood lightly and have been known to fight for it. 

I am extremely blessed to have some very strong and amazing friends.  I can count them on one hand, and even though none of us are “surgically attached” to the other, they are still amazing.

My favorite blessing is my not only my best friend, but he is also my husband.  There is something that is incredible about our friendship, we can talk for hours and never run out of things to talk about.  At the same time we can sit in the quiet just comfortable in the companionship of the other.  We share the same wacky sense of humor and it goes past finishing each others sentences.  I never thought I would be a part of one of those couples, that were not only lovers but the very bestest of best friends, but I am so glad I am.

Another one down…

Tags

Birthday, body, career, Home, Kids, Life, Love, marraige

It’s that time of year again.  The time of year when I sit back and realize how much faster time is going, count my blessings, resolve to loose more weight and do some serious surveying of age to my body.

This year I cannot look at myself naked in the mirror.  I did a trial run a few days ago, couldn’t do it.  I know what I look like and I’m not happy.  So I’ve been slowly changing my diet (better chance of makng good changes stick) and working on getting a bit more excersize and activity.  I was hoping that instead of going gun-ho on something for a short period of time and burning out I’d be more successful if I went slowly. 

I did however do the pencil test.  Ok so it was a eyeliner pencil, same thing.  This year I didn’t pass the test.  My all natural boobs have moved from my collarbone to where boobs are susspota’ sit.  Which is what I thought I wanted for years, boobs that when I wasn’t wearing a bra didn’t look like I was wearing a pushup.  Sometimes when the grass looks greener on the other side you just need to be patient as you move slowly to the other side.

This has been an insane year.  I have become imersed in being a stay at home mommy / housewife.  Even though I am involved in various businesses and ventures and freelance projects, I’m still home in the afternoons to paint with Megan and watch Michelle discover new things.  My health has not been good and it’s really taken a mental toll on me.  It seems as soon as I was on the tail-end of recovering from one thing, something else would appear.  It’s one of the reasons my “blogging” has been weak this past year, who wants to read a blog about illness?

No longer am I yelling “I want more” as I did when I was younger, I am meeker and more reserved in some aspects of my life.  I am happy in my marriage and my children are a constant source of joy and entertainment for me. 

The facial lines are few and thankfully my skin looks younger than many of my peers.  I have been cursed with more white hair (redheads turn white) than either I or my hairguru will ever admit.  My skinny jeans call to me from the back of my closet and I know better than to try to shoe-horn my way into them.

What will this next year bring?

I wish I could say that I will loose more weight, have to buy smaller skinny jeans and that there will be no financial worries.

I’m not stupid.

I can say that this next year will bring joy, baby drool, chipped manicures, tons of elementary art projects, messy floors, muffin boobs, dog-eared books, cooking disasters, giggles, new adventures, laundry piles and love.

Mini Assistant

Tags

career, Children, Kids, Life, Love, Parenthood, work

I am in love with my newly self-appointed assistant.  She refuses to stay in her defined space for an extended amount of time and feels the uncontrolable need to invade mine at every available opportunity.  My work processing time has slowed and I’m constantly scanning the area to make sure that my cell phone and beverages are well out of her reach.  Even as I type this, she is sitting in my lap gnawing her fingers, snuggling her little warm body into mine, and probably working on another wet diaper.  We don’t have coffee breaks in this house, we have diaper breaks.

I wouldn’t change it for the world.  Some say she’s spoiled in as much as she desires attention and being held.  I say “Bite Me”.