As the medical tech tied the rubber band around my arm to make the veins pop up I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. She thumbed the spot for a few seconds to try to see if there may be one that was more useable than another. It’s never an easy process of of late as there is some scaring from multiple medical procedures and I’m sure my dislike of needles dosen’t make it much easier.
As the needle finally penetrated my skin and I saw the red liquid flow I didn’t want to see how many vials the tech was taking. With every passing minute I felt more and more drained. Surely she would get enough blood by now, surely they had enough vials full of my blood to test. But no, it kept going and going and going. The life was slowly being drained out of me and I had no energy to fight it. No strength to even keep sitting up straight I was soon slumped over and could feel my body drying up on the floor.
Ok so not really. But pretty darn close. I have been remiss in keeping up on my writings lately. I have been sick with one thing after another, after another, after another. I choose to spend my energy on my family as opposed to keeping up my writings but in the past two days I have had more energy than I’ve had in well over two months so I’m making small attempts to come back to the land of the living.
There has been small joys in all of this. I am learning more and more every day that you have to focus on the positive, on the good. There is a way to find the fraction of good in most things, it just takes a not so good situation sometimes to make you see it.
One thing I have enjoyed is focusing on my kids in a very deliberate “Mommy can’t run around with you but I will gladly cuddle you for hours on end”. This has resulted in lots of cuddle time and lots of memories being made of that quality time that you can’t buy in any store.
Elle has become quite the explorer and her newest fascinations include cheerios, stealing my cell phone and “pretend typing” when I am on the computer. Seeing as I spend more time than I like in bed, she has become quite the explorer of our bedroom and seems to find something new every day. Finding cheerios in my bed in the middle of the night is totally worth it when I remember how she babbled when I placed a small bowl in front of her while she was propped up against some pillows. It was like she knew that eating in bed was a treat that won’t happen when Mommy feels better. I love just watching her as she goes about her day in her own happy little world. I can loose myself in her giggles and grins, it’s so easy to just stare at her in amazement.
Meggie is just the cutest thing ever, we pray together for Mommy to get better and she comes in to give me hugs, kisses and artwork totally unprovoked. She has discoved the joy of kids movies on the internet, the three of us (if Bill is home) will stack the pillows up in bed, grab the laptop and watch a kids movie. She gets lots of cuddle time and we will get more time to discuss what we are watching (love the pause button) as we go. I had to take a trip to the emergency room awhile back, Meggie was a bit under the weather so she went back to see the doctor with me (kill two birds with one stone!) . While they were sticking my arm with needles I made sure to look straight at her and smile, telling her that what the doctors were doing didn’t hurt enough to complain about and that it was going to make Mommy better. “Mommy next time I have to go to the doctor I’m going to be princess brave like you.” How cool is that? I was “princess brave”. My beautiful little Meggie is growing up and every day she amazes me more and more.
Even though I feel like death warmed over more often than not as of late, and I’m sure there are days I don’t look much better than that, I am so incredibly thankful my my wonderful husband. He has been there through everything and I could not ask for a more supportive and loving man. When you say your weddings vows “in sickness and health” you get visions of growing old together and all the stuff that goes along with that. You don’t picture being younger and in what should be the prime of your young life. Throughout our whole relationship I have been sick more often than not, Bill has been to hell and back with me over this time, and I’m looking forward to having many, many, many more years with him (just hopefully healthier too!)
So if I can clear allergy season (ha ha funny! Especially when you live in this allergy ridden part of the country and are allergic to everything, seriously) I am really working at getting somewhat back to the land of the living. I have focused on the things that are important, my kids and my husband and tried not to think of the things out and about I have missed out on, but focused on the good stuff. I have missed the land of the living and active and am really trying to make a comeback. It’s not gonna come quick, or probably even really soon, it’s in a higher powers hands and “helps those who help themselves” is very valid. The best I can do is be “princess brave” for not only my family but for myself, better days are coming, not that there haven’t already been better days.