“Put A Bandage On It”

Tags

Family, Religion, Thoughts

Mom and I had a long discussion today about “forgive and forget“. This is something that has been eating at me going on seven months now. I cannot count the numbers of tears shed, hurt, aggrivation and anger. My wonderful husband has held my hand through all of it, let me cry in his arms and rant till I collaspe from exhaustion. Too many times Bill’s caught me in a full redhead wrath one minute and bawling the next over the situation. 

Underneath the negitives I still seem to have a deep need to “fix” things. Unfortunately my version of “fix”ing things is more psychologically based (I am a part of the “therapist generation” afterall) and when I “gear up” for battle I go through a prep worthy of any courtroom. I like facts, like like quoting, I like evidence. I like winning/being right (should have been a lawyer).

I’ve come face to face with a point where that even though I know differently, have the evidence, and have plenty in my favor, a fight isn’t going to accomplish anything. As my Mom says “sometimes it’s just best to put a bandage on it and move on” (aka not discuss why you were hurt, why you hurt them, etc…) In alot of ways I completely disagree with this, at the same time fighting isn’t going to accomplish anything in some situations. Especially when it involves more people than just the two that are at major odds. It has a tidal wave of distruction and in as much as I disagree with Mom’s theory, I’m going to work to make it work.

I found myself at that place mixed with hurt, tears and anger tonight once again and was driven to find some comfort and backup (so to speak) from the Bible. I found the following:

Ephesians 4:31-32 (KJV)

 ³¹Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:  ³²And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

Comes down to a simple point, in the grand scheme of things what goes on here on earth is miniscule between our interactons with each other when we discuss forgiveness. Opposed to what God has forgiven us for.  Sometimes all we can do to try to start the healing and fix the hurt that we have inflicted, that has been inflicted upon us, and the effects it has had on those around us is to “put a bandage on it”.

Princess Brave

Tags

Deep Thoughts, Family, Health, Kids, Life, Love, medical

As the medical tech tied the rubber band around my arm to make the veins pop up I knew it wasn’t going to be easy.  She thumbed the spot for a few seconds to try to see if there may be one that was more useable than another.  It’s never an easy process of of late as there is some scaring from multiple medical procedures and I’m sure my dislike of needles dosen’t make it much easier.

As the needle finally penetrated my skin and I saw the red liquid flow I didn’t want to see how many vials the tech was taking.  With every passing minute I felt more and more drained.  Surely she would get enough blood by now, surely they had enough vials full of my blood to test.  But no, it kept going and going and going.  The life was slowly being drained out of me and I had no energy to fight it.  No strength to even keep sitting up straight I was soon slumped over and could feel my body drying up on the floor.

Ok so not really.  But pretty darn close. I have been remiss in keeping up on my writings lately.  I have been sick with one thing after another, after another, after another.  I choose to spend my energy on my family as opposed to keeping up my writings but in the past two days I have had more energy than I’ve had in well over two months so I’m making small attempts to come back to the land of the living. 

There has been small joys in all of this.  I am learning more and more every day that you have to focus on the positive, on the good.  There is a way to find the fraction of good in most things, it just takes a not so good situation sometimes to make you see it. 

One thing I have enjoyed is focusing on my kids in a very deliberate “Mommy can’t run around with you but I will gladly cuddle you for hours on end”.   This has resulted in lots of cuddle time and lots of memories being made of that quality time that you can’t buy in any store.

Elle has become quite the explorer and her newest fascinations include cheerios, stealing my cell phone and “pretend typing” when I am on the computer.   Seeing as I spend more time than I like in bed, she has become quite the explorer of our bedroom and seems to find something new every day.  Finding cheerios in my bed in the middle of the night is totally worth it when I remember how she babbled when I placed a small bowl in front of her while she was propped up against some pillows.  It was like she knew that eating in bed was a treat that won’t happen when Mommy feels better.   I love just watching her as she goes about her day in her own happy little world.  I can loose myself in her giggles and grins, it’s so easy to just stare at her in amazement.

Meggie is just the cutest thing ever, we pray together for Mommy to get better and she comes in to give me hugs, kisses and artwork totally unprovoked.  She has discoved the joy of kids movies on the internet, the three of us (if Bill is home) will stack the pillows up in bed, grab the laptop and watch a kids movie.  She gets lots of cuddle time and we will get more time to discuss what we are watching (love the pause button) as we go.  I had to take a trip to the emergency room awhile back, Meggie was a bit under the weather so she went back to see the doctor with me (kill two birds with one stone!) .  While they were sticking my arm with needles I made sure to look straight at her and smile, telling her that what the doctors were doing didn’t hurt enough to complain about and that it was going to make Mommy better.  “Mommy next time I have to go to the doctor I’m going to be princess brave like you.”  How cool is that?  I was “princess brave”.   My beautiful little Meggie is growing up and every day she amazes me more and more.

Even though I feel like death warmed over more often than not as of late, and I’m sure there are days I don’t look much better than that, I am so incredibly thankful my my wonderful husband.  He has been there through everything and I could not ask for a more supportive and loving man.  When you say your weddings vows “in sickness and health” you get visions of growing old together and all the stuff that goes along with that.  You don’t picture being younger and in what should be the prime of your young life.  Throughout our whole relationship I have been sick more often than not, Bill has been to hell and back with me over this time, and I’m looking forward to having many, many, many more years with him (just hopefully healthier too!)

So if I can clear allergy season (ha ha funny! Especially when you live in this allergy ridden part of the country and are allergic to everything, seriously) I am really working at getting somewhat back to the land of the living.  I have focused on the things that are important, my kids and my husband and tried not to think of the things out and about I have missed out on, but focused on the good stuff.  I have missed the land of the living and active and am really trying to make a comeback.  It’s not gonna come quick, or probably even really soon, it’s in a higher powers hands and “helps those who help themselves” is very valid.  The best I can do is be “princess brave” for not only my family but for myself, better days are coming, not that there haven’t already been better days.

Like Another Hole In My Head

Tags

Animals, Baby, Family, Life, Pets

We needed another cat like another hole in the head…

Allow me to introduce you to Lola.  She’s our newest baby, and the same age as Michelle.

Perfect Body

Tags

Diet, Family, fitness, Health, Kids, Life, Self Esteme, Self Image, Wellness

 I find myself asking “what is the perfect body for me?”  In as much as I’m tempted to get Bill to take a nude photo of me and then throw it into photoshop till I’m happy, I won’t.  For me to be happy the majority of my clothes have to fit comfortably.  I will always have a hourglass figure, that won’t ever change and I love my curves.  It’s part of my job to look good and now having to struggle more than I’m used to isn’t something I particularly care for.  It must be done and I know that when I’m happy with my body again I’ll be much happier overall.

I’m not one to ask for help often unless I absolutely need it.  I wasn’t totally convinced that I needed it, but after having some more complicated medical issues and realizing that loosing weight after Elle’s birth was going to be harder this time I reached out.  So now I have a totally awesome fitness coach and I’m working on what seems to be a program that I will see some great results with.  I will be writing more about this adventure here soon, so be on the lookout!

Setting a good example of health and wellness  for my kids is important to me, and a part of my decision to make some changes and do this program.  If our children don’t learn health habits and fitness from their parents, then who is going to teach them?  Sure our schools are doing better but that’s not enough. We live in a society that glamorizes fast food and cosmetic surgury, we are responsible to teach by example. 

I have two little girls who I love more than anything, my oldest is almost six and she’s very aware of how she looks.  She is healthy with what she eats and she is very fortunate to be very tall for her age therefore hopefully she won’t have some of the battles that a person of shorter stature would. I worry about her self image, we hug her and tell her all the time that she is pretty on both the inside and out. We stress that it’s just not your ourward appearance but what’s inside.  At the same time I know what battles she has ahead of her, I remember oh too well the tribulations of growing up female and having all sorts of images projected at you as to what you should look like. 

Meg has been going with me for awhile on photoshoots and she even does her own (side note: it’s so cute when she gets a new outfit she just loves she insists that she does a photoshoot in it almost immediately.).  She has fun being a ham and as long as she’s having fun that’s all that matters.  I hope she always has fun seeing pictures of herself and seeing herself as beautiful no matter what she looks like physically.  A perfect body for my daughter is one that is healthy, fit and that she is comfortable and happy in.  In my renewed quest to get into better shape I’m trying to make her a bit more aware about getting in enough physical activity, how important it is to eat right and that treats are fun in moderation. (yes she’s so smart she knows what that means!) 

I remember being about Meg’s age and seeing my Mom working out at home, sometimes I’d ask to join her and I remember how grown-up and cool it was to workout with Mom.  My mother has been blessed with being naturally slender (somehow I got the curves she missed out on) and has always taken pride in her looks.  Mom has never been one to eat alot of junk food, and she’s never been a health nut either.  She’s always been middle of the road but she also always impressed on me that it was important to take care of your body.  Still to this day when I do certain excersizes I will always think of my Mom.

The perfect bodies in my household are the ones we already have, but being taken care of to the best of our abilities.  Everyone is perfect just the way they are in this family, but there is no reason not to be in the best health and shape possible so that we can enjoy life to the fullest.  I’m excited to find a more perfect body underneath the perfect body that I already have.  We have been blessed with so much, it would be shame to neglect what we have been given.

 

(Image property of www.billmccord.com)

One Year

Tags

anniversary, Family, Life, Love, Marriage

Our Wedding Day - October 11, 2008

One year ago today I married my husband; my soul mate, my lover, my best friend.

One year ago today I became a Step-Mom to two smart boys who I adore.

One year ago my Megan was blessed with a great Step-Daddy who she loves.

One year ago today I suddenly looked around me and realized that I all of a sudden wasn’t a single Mother with one daughter, but a Mother of three.

One year ago today we didn’t drive off in a parade of well wishers or off to some exotic honeymoon.  We tied the knot with a very small handful of family and friends that are family.  Our honeymoon was spent putting kids to bed and packing boxes for moving.

In our first year of marriage we have moved two households, blended a family together, developed multiple businesses, gone though a very difficult pregnancy, suffered sever financial losses and stresses, celebrated the birth of our premature daughter, and had a variety of health issues. 

The part of the vows “poorer” and “sickness” have deffiantely had their fair share in our first year of marriage, but also the “richer” and “health” has come in to play with the blessing of love and the health of Elle.

One year ago I became a Mrs., and I’m so glad I took a chance and did.