Reflections: “tightrope highwire”

Tags

Deep Thoughts, Love, reflections, relations

Is it possible to fall in love again?

The kind of emotions that take your breath away when you realize they still exist.

When do you realize there is a possibility?

Is it when that first kiss makes the world around you stop, and four minutes later you both realize it’s just the first date?

Is it when you realize you not only opened the restaurant for dinner, but closed the bar, the whole time wrapped up in each other like newlyweds?

Or perhaps when you watch him show off his various works of art and points of professional achievement, puffing up like a proud peacock, and rightfully so. You are anything but bored, and are fascinated by the working of this other persons brain.

Maybe when you look across the room at him and realize that the ache deep down inside that has been hurting for so long is starting to subside. Not because of someone else but because you look down and see that the wounds of the past are faded to scars.

There are many things we look for in love. Not just a long term relationship, but a forever future. A couple needs to be compatible on multiple levels and really be someone you can grow and grow old with. Someone to share all the incidentals of life with. Your lover. Your confidant. Your honeybunchsugarplum. Your best friend. The person who will be honest with you no matter what, even if you are having fat day and your hair looks like crap.

We give people chances to be that person in our lives and ourselves in theirs. Sometimes you realize a week in that it’s just better to cut bait quick before it gets anymore tangled, or you give it a few months and work out some bumps. Either way each party knows their deal breakers and it’s best to knock those suckers out quick in my humble opinion before you waste a year of your life on what will just end up being a shoe box of memories.

When my last marriage died I lost my husband, one of my best friends, my comic relief, my sunshine, my hero, my love.  It was excruciating. I missed having that connection and I wanted it back so badly. I had a lot of healing to go through both mentally, emotionally and physically, and a lot of growing up I had to do. I stupidly tried everything I could think of while the wreckage of what was the fairy tale was burning all around me. Nothing could or even would be able to fix it. There comes a point in life when you just have to survey the wreckage, take notes and move on. Staring at the flames of the plane crash isn’t going to do anything but dry out your skin and make your eyes itchy.

It’s been a long road. I’m at a point in my life where I have so much love to give. So much laughter and smiles to share. A passion for life and learning. I have identified things I need, things I want, and of course “panty droppers”. I’ve stepped out on that tightrope highwire of love a few times and been scared to death. It’s a long fall and it’s so easy to get hurt. If you want to have a relationship work you can’t just give it 90%, it’s going to take 110%+ and from both people. Just when you think you have identified a “low-risk” candidate something comes along and makes you realize it’s not the wisest investment even though it’s categorized as a “low risk”.  One goes running back to the safety of the platform, having your muscles shake in terror as you look down realize you could have fallen and there was no safety net to catch you.

Then leave it to me to have a “high risk” investment come by, and I being the hopeless romantic say “what the hell” and step on that highwire. My muscles shaking in terror and I hoping that the clowns in the ground crew put up a safety net just in case my partner on the other side of the tightrope isn’t able to meet me in the middle. I’m holding my breath… I don’t want to fall alone again.

Here’s the catch…. you don’t have to have a “safety net” or someone on the other side of the wire to catch you, you can catch yourself.

Princess Brave

Tags

Deep Thoughts, Family, Health, Kids, Life, Love, medical

As the medical tech tied the rubber band around my arm to make the veins pop up I knew it wasn’t going to be easy.  She thumbed the spot for a few seconds to try to see if there may be one that was more useable than another.  It’s never an easy process of of late as there is some scaring from multiple medical procedures and I’m sure my dislike of needles dosen’t make it much easier.

As the needle finally penetrated my skin and I saw the red liquid flow I didn’t want to see how many vials the tech was taking.  With every passing minute I felt more and more drained.  Surely she would get enough blood by now, surely they had enough vials full of my blood to test.  But no, it kept going and going and going.  The life was slowly being drained out of me and I had no energy to fight it.  No strength to even keep sitting up straight I was soon slumped over and could feel my body drying up on the floor.

Ok so not really.  But pretty darn close. I have been remiss in keeping up on my writings lately.  I have been sick with one thing after another, after another, after another.  I choose to spend my energy on my family as opposed to keeping up my writings but in the past two days I have had more energy than I’ve had in well over two months so I’m making small attempts to come back to the land of the living. 

There has been small joys in all of this.  I am learning more and more every day that you have to focus on the positive, on the good.  There is a way to find the fraction of good in most things, it just takes a not so good situation sometimes to make you see it. 

One thing I have enjoyed is focusing on my kids in a very deliberate “Mommy can’t run around with you but I will gladly cuddle you for hours on end”.   This has resulted in lots of cuddle time and lots of memories being made of that quality time that you can’t buy in any store.

Elle has become quite the explorer and her newest fascinations include cheerios, stealing my cell phone and “pretend typing” when I am on the computer.   Seeing as I spend more time than I like in bed, she has become quite the explorer of our bedroom and seems to find something new every day.  Finding cheerios in my bed in the middle of the night is totally worth it when I remember how she babbled when I placed a small bowl in front of her while she was propped up against some pillows.  It was like she knew that eating in bed was a treat that won’t happen when Mommy feels better.   I love just watching her as she goes about her day in her own happy little world.  I can loose myself in her giggles and grins, it’s so easy to just stare at her in amazement.

Meggie is just the cutest thing ever, we pray together for Mommy to get better and she comes in to give me hugs, kisses and artwork totally unprovoked.  She has discoved the joy of kids movies on the internet, the three of us (if Bill is home) will stack the pillows up in bed, grab the laptop and watch a kids movie.  She gets lots of cuddle time and we will get more time to discuss what we are watching (love the pause button) as we go.  I had to take a trip to the emergency room awhile back, Meggie was a bit under the weather so she went back to see the doctor with me (kill two birds with one stone!) .  While they were sticking my arm with needles I made sure to look straight at her and smile, telling her that what the doctors were doing didn’t hurt enough to complain about and that it was going to make Mommy better.  “Mommy next time I have to go to the doctor I’m going to be princess brave like you.”  How cool is that?  I was “princess brave”.   My beautiful little Meggie is growing up and every day she amazes me more and more.

Even though I feel like death warmed over more often than not as of late, and I’m sure there are days I don’t look much better than that, I am so incredibly thankful my my wonderful husband.  He has been there through everything and I could not ask for a more supportive and loving man.  When you say your weddings vows “in sickness and health” you get visions of growing old together and all the stuff that goes along with that.  You don’t picture being younger and in what should be the prime of your young life.  Throughout our whole relationship I have been sick more often than not, Bill has been to hell and back with me over this time, and I’m looking forward to having many, many, many more years with him (just hopefully healthier too!)

So if I can clear allergy season (ha ha funny! Especially when you live in this allergy ridden part of the country and are allergic to everything, seriously) I am really working at getting somewhat back to the land of the living.  I have focused on the things that are important, my kids and my husband and tried not to think of the things out and about I have missed out on, but focused on the good stuff.  I have missed the land of the living and active and am really trying to make a comeback.  It’s not gonna come quick, or probably even really soon, it’s in a higher powers hands and “helps those who help themselves” is very valid.  The best I can do is be “princess brave” for not only my family but for myself, better days are coming, not that there haven’t already been better days.

Silent Noise

Tags

Deep Thoughts, Life, Music, physics, Thoughts

Once upon a time I lived where the actual sound of total silence was possible.  You didn’t hear the neighbors, the air unit, cars, planes, trains, people, animals, nothing.  Just silence.  It would roar when I would step out on my patio and look at the night sky, if I strained my ears I could hear the tiny babbling of the nearby creek or a twitter of a night-dwelling insect.

In surbia there is no such thing as silence.  In our household right now the air unit is blowing,  no noisey appliances are running, the kids are not awake, tv’s and steros are turned off, and occassionally I hear a sigh/snore from the nearby sleeping cat.  Birds are squaking outside, cars are rumbling in the distance and occassionally a loud neighbor wizzes down the quiet street.  Dogs are barking in the distance and some idiot cannot control the bass in their sound system.  Even though it’s “quiet” in the sense that there is no blaring obvivious noise taking center ring, it’s extremely loud.

We get so tied up into the fast pace of our lives, we forget to slow down and listen to the sounds of silence.  It seems like no matter where you go the achievement of total silence is hard to come by, as even air makes a noise.    My ears have gotten so used to noise that I cannot sleep at night if there is not a “white noise” on. 

If you do any research on noise and the various colors and physics behind “noise” it gives your head a whole different type of noise, commonly known as a headache.

Time to burp the Rolodex

Tags

Business, career, Deep Thoughts, Life, work

One of my goals this month was to weed though all my business cards that I have collected over the past many years.  You may think a month is a long time to go though a single Rolodex… not so.  You have to count the two binders full of pages of cards, one full Roledex, a drawer full of cards at the office, and a stack of them stashed for quick access behind my keyboard at work. 

This evening I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.  In transfering everything to one single location I realized I need a much larger Rolodex.  This is after “burping” it multiple times, disgarding duplicates, outdates, out of business, out of the world, etc…  In doing this I started down an odd memory lane of sorts, all the way back to my very first venture into a business for business purposes.  I don’t think I didn’t ever not have a clue, I always knew the path of purpose from the starting step to the final step. 

Then of course I have to take it to a deeper level than just the surface of a business transaction and wonder how much of an impact I was able to have on someone or their business.  If after 13 weeks, or years of work, how much of it in the long run really truely paid off.  Dollars come and go, actually helping someone to move ahead makes a true impact. 

I had a fantastic boss once upon a time that told me I had “too much heart to truely have a forked tongue.”  It’s not as beneficial to the bottom line of the wallet to think that way, so we end up thinking of meeting numbers more than we do the impact that we have on someone and their business.  Contacts and contracts become pages in our Rolodex’s of life and in the end how often do we look past those cards and the deadline to really help and care?

In getting started on my project this month I had no idea it would send me on such train of thought.  I thought that getting those contacts a bit more organized would perhaps help uncover some grains of golden business opportunties I may have overlooked.  Instead it has me questioning patterns, techniques, and methods.  Forcing myself to look at the bigger picture as opposed to the bigger dollar.  In as much as I’m glad I’m not a shallow person, sometimes I have to think that it would make certain things in life so much eaiser.

Who’d ever of thunk’ it that “burping the Rolodex” would be a cause for cost absorption.

Conclusion

Tags

Deep Thoughts, Life

Weightless, being an island of seclusion, surrounded by softly scented bubbles and the beat of the iTunes playlist in the background.  The heat from the water warmed my body and sliding myself down into the bath, with the water covering my ears put me into a calm state where I could not escape my thoughts easily.  The cool slick walls rebounded my thoughts, while I tried to come to some sort of a conclusion.

What I want right now in life isn’t realistic by many things.  I have to take multiple issues into consideration, and come up with the best situation for the time being.  I am hindered by things, some that are my fault, and others that I have no control over, some that I can resolve in time, others that I have no choice in.  It comes back to making the picture/outlook be the best it can for the time being.

I’ve come to a conclusion, not neccessarly the one I was hoping to come across, but one that will hopefully be able to pan out.  Certain dreams have to be set on the back burner in lieu of practicality, and every day existence.  The things that hold me back I don’t resent, it just makes the course even more difficult to navigate but it’s not impossible.

Just two quick thoughts:

1. Don’t do wrong by a redhead, especially this one. 

2.  Life is like a sales cold call, just do it.