Mezzo Beast on a Leash

I was honored to be asked up on stage at the Comedy Catch / Giggles Grill to sing a bit with the band this weekend.  Angel, the female head singer of the band Danger Kitty was sweet to share the mic with me. I had a blast. It also awoken something in me I’ve tried to keep quiet.

I love singing. straight out. I LOVE it. I trained classically for many, many, many years and invested a lot into myself.  I also know that there are many others out there (even on a local level) that are so much better than me and untill lately I’ve been comfortable with sitting back and letting someone else do the vocalizing.

A stage of any size has never intimidated me, an audience of any size has never fazed me. In my humble opinion, I think that your responsiblity as the artist/entertainment  is to perform just as fantastic for the group of a half-dozen, as you would for a group of 20,000.  I’ve been comfortable singing in groups of various sizes, to audience members of various sizes. I’ve been comfortable playing instruments in similar situations as previously stated. I’ve performed improv, acting, stand up, prop and large illusions. Live audiences are fun, you get that extra level of excitement that you don’t get from taped or broadcast performances. (even though I have my fair share in those departments too)

The only two things that intimidate me in the slightest are: my voice and the piano.

I know silly right? It’s taken years but after hearing in the back of my head the voices of kids in high school mocking any of my solo efforts, and my complete and total freeze up in front of a jury of music professors on an audition for piano and voice, I did my best to keep from remembering those bad experiences. The best way to ignore my nerves was just to avoid any situation similar at any cost. Even if a little bit inside me died every time someone would say “you have a great voice, why don’t you get up there and show them how it’s done?” as I was humble and differed.

It’s something I’ve never quite understood. I have never gotten nervous speaking in front of a crowd, walking a runway, prepared or off the cuff on stage, rehearsed or improv. I’ve never had any issue performing in a musical capacity in a group, but to actually “solo” it made me feel vulnerable. Sad that all these years later with the battles I’ve fought and won, that somewhere in my mind there is still the ridicule that I suffered as a teenager. See I didn’t sing the “cool” songs, I favored Bette Midler, Neil Diamond, Rita Coolidge, Barbra, Madonna, Diana Krall. So not cool as a teenager. Not to make matters any better I was Daria (if you don’t get it google it). 

The piano was my blessing and my curse. It was my escape and I enjoyed it, alas I put up a fight whenever it was necessary to play in public. It was one of the few things I didn’t do for the public, in as much as I thought I might want to at the time, I did it for me. I was never “good”, never will be. It just makes me happy. I still won’t play in public, and even wait till my husband and children are out of the house (or napping) till I touch the keyboard.

I have played many other instruments over the years, but none of them were are dear to me as the voice inside me.  How can I tell my children they are the only ones in control of their dreams, of how far they go. They are the pilots of their own destiny,  when their mother has demo tapes that she was too chicken once cut to finish the submission cycle? When their mother has been to chicken over the years to just accept I’m never gonna be the best but I’m far from the worst, but at least I’m doing it. I can’t expect my children to push and work towards what they dream of if I’m not willing to do it for myself. How can I expect them to grow from being vulnerable if I’m not willing to do it myself? They see me as strong and fearless, willing to tackle any audience or broadcast, yet when they ask me about being nervous I can’t lie… I’m not. I just have avoided the situations that make me have a minor quake.

I’m not saying you are gonna find me putting together music act anytime in the future, nor am I gonna be crashing the karaoke bars (because quite frankly that’s not the same thing as actually having a real gig where you are responsible for the audience and there is no safety net. Just because you sing karaoke doesn’t make you a musician, entertainer, or a singer. When it does it will the day that drinking coffee makes me qualified to be the CEO of Starbucks). I will gladly start listening to the set list of some of my fave bands a bit more closely and be better prepared next time someone decides to pull the comic on stage.

  Yep. The woman who has opening admitted of never getting stage fright or nervous, does. BUT very rarely, only in a  select couple of situations. I will get over that this year. Everyone has weaknesses, we become stronger and take a step to bettering ourselves when we can admit to them.  It’s a minor hiccup that I never thought I’d ever face again, after all, once you start having kids and focus on multiple career paths, it’s hard to make time to do something for you. My music has always been my soother, the “Mezzo – soprano beast” as was my nickname once upon a time is going to work on her leash.

*Thanks to Angel Michaels and the rest of the guys of Danger Kitty. You guys ROCK and I had a blast. I look forward to rocking with you guys again!  Also thanks to 976 Photography for the image.

The Dirty Laundry of a Mommy Blogger

Tags

Dirty Laundry, Kids, Life, modeling, Mommy, Mommy Blogger, Parenthood

Spit up, dishes, first grade homework, housework, diapers, dirty laundry… oh wait. Dirty Laundry. Dirty Laundry of a different kind. The Dirty Laundry of what I have fought not to be…. a “Mommy Blogger”. 

  Seriously. That’s the explanation I have for being absent from my writing for so long. I didn’t want to become a “Mommy Blogger”.  Not that being a “Mommy Blogger” is a bad thing, it just wasn’t my thing. Now don’t get me wrong, I have done plenty of writing about my kids and I love each and every one of them more than anything. I just feared that tag “Mommy Blogger”. Why? Because I’ve seen it happen again and again and again. A wonderfully entertaining, informative, opinationed womans blog goes to diaper rash the moment the hormones spill out her fingertips. 

Now before I go getting hate mail from the Mommy Bloggers, don’t throw the sticky sippy cups at me!  I’m on your side… I’m one of you! But I’m also on my side. Because guess what? Being a Mom is the best thing ever, it’s my “most favorite” job I’ve ever had! Alas with one child it’s easier to balance your life and their life than it is with multiple kids.  I have always been a “Mommy Blogger”, and very proud of my oldest daughter, but when every draft I started creating was focused soley on my children I realized quickly that my little spot on cyberspace wasn’t about to qualify for ads for diapers as opposed to thongs.

So yes, I am embracing the change. I challenge you to embrace it with me and to stick with me though this transformation. Yes, I will talk about my kids more. Yes, I will keep updates on my recent photoshoots “Mommy Model” and creative developments.  Yes, dust bunnies are my kryptonite. And yes, I will always have dirty laundry.  *wink*

White Sheets

Tags

Decor, Home, sleep, Thoughts, white sheets

There is a certain pleasure that I recieve from white sheets.  It is such a nice feeling of climbing into a bed made up of fresh, clean, pure white sheets.  The feeling isn’t quite the same if they are any other color besides white.  Pure, fresh and clean… mmmm white sheets.  I find that I do not sleep as well if the sheets are of any color.  No I’m not prejudice but I swear… there is a difference in the way I sleep! 

It’s not all just about color though, threadcount is very important too, yes I am a threadcount snob.  They have to be of a higher count otherwise they just are not as soft and durable.  I have found a higher threadcount sheet set to last for years and be worth every penny spent on them in the beginning.  If you have to replace it less then you automatically save money and your sanity of trying to find the perfect sheets over and over and over again, as opposed to if you had just bit the bullet a couple of times as opposed to multiple times.

All of the sheets for our bedroom are white, save for the one set of black satin that are just fun (and totally not practical).  I also use white sheets to drape over my living room furniture when we aren’t expecting company.  I find they are easier to just pick up and wash and they protect the sofa from the life of having multiple kids.  I have tried to not force my white sheet prefernce on to my children and therefore have placed white sheets with simple prints on them on their beds.  Thankfully they don’t seem to care as long as they are clean, and even then I wonder if our boys really notice… *laughs*

I am also one of those people who iron their sheets.  I don’t have the lurxury of having the time or desire to iron the whole sheet, just the edges of the cases and tops.  That way they look cripser without having to spend time ironing the whole sheet (which I have been known to do in the past…).  Cotton in as good as it feels and as good as it is for your skin it will wrinkle easily and loose it’s crispness if you don’t give it just a little bit of tlc.

One of the most simple plesures I believe is a nicely made up bed with white sheets.  It is like unfolding a gift when you go to bed at night and pull back the covers to be greated with layers of white to help you drift off to good dreams.

I have found that a good cleaning with bleach about every other washing is a huge help to keep my linens super white.  I have even become so much in love with my white sheets as of late that I have even put a white sheet on top of my regular dark red coverlet.  I have cats, cats shead, cats come in the room and shed on the bed, cover is difficult to wash, in comes the white sheet that gets laundred quite often and in the height of my allergy seaon it’s helpful to reduce bedroom allergens.  It also gave the bed a whole new look without spending money!  Two for one! Woot!

There is also something about doing a photoshoot with white sheets.  As  a professional model I have almost been tempted to carry a nice white flat sheet with me to shoots as a wardrobe option!  Seriously though, if you want a beautiful and effortless effect in your boudiour or glamour editorial photos a white sheet is awesome.

I remember being young, probably about 8 or so and spending some time with my Grandma.  She was making the beds at the house and I was helping her.  We were putting white sheets on the guest bed, and I remember how clean they made the whole room look.  Grandma was very good at giving out household tips and such, and I remember her saying that at least one set of white sheets were imporant to have in your linens.  Grandma was an excellent homemaker and I always loved all the little “tips” she would give me while I was assisting her around the house when we would visit. 

White sheets have become a part of my life, they make my bed look crisp and inviting.  White sheets also help me sleep better, sleeping on any other color just won’t do!  The pure simplicity of something simple, like clean, white sheets, are a good start to plesant dreams.

Princess Brave

Tags

Deep Thoughts, Family, Health, Kids, Life, Love, medical

As the medical tech tied the rubber band around my arm to make the veins pop up I knew it wasn’t going to be easy.  She thumbed the spot for a few seconds to try to see if there may be one that was more useable than another.  It’s never an easy process of of late as there is some scaring from multiple medical procedures and I’m sure my dislike of needles dosen’t make it much easier.

As the needle finally penetrated my skin and I saw the red liquid flow I didn’t want to see how many vials the tech was taking.  With every passing minute I felt more and more drained.  Surely she would get enough blood by now, surely they had enough vials full of my blood to test.  But no, it kept going and going and going.  The life was slowly being drained out of me and I had no energy to fight it.  No strength to even keep sitting up straight I was soon slumped over and could feel my body drying up on the floor.

Ok so not really.  But pretty darn close. I have been remiss in keeping up on my writings lately.  I have been sick with one thing after another, after another, after another.  I choose to spend my energy on my family as opposed to keeping up my writings but in the past two days I have had more energy than I’ve had in well over two months so I’m making small attempts to come back to the land of the living. 

There has been small joys in all of this.  I am learning more and more every day that you have to focus on the positive, on the good.  There is a way to find the fraction of good in most things, it just takes a not so good situation sometimes to make you see it. 

One thing I have enjoyed is focusing on my kids in a very deliberate “Mommy can’t run around with you but I will gladly cuddle you for hours on end”.   This has resulted in lots of cuddle time and lots of memories being made of that quality time that you can’t buy in any store.

Elle has become quite the explorer and her newest fascinations include cheerios, stealing my cell phone and “pretend typing” when I am on the computer.   Seeing as I spend more time than I like in bed, she has become quite the explorer of our bedroom and seems to find something new every day.  Finding cheerios in my bed in the middle of the night is totally worth it when I remember how she babbled when I placed a small bowl in front of her while she was propped up against some pillows.  It was like she knew that eating in bed was a treat that won’t happen when Mommy feels better.   I love just watching her as she goes about her day in her own happy little world.  I can loose myself in her giggles and grins, it’s so easy to just stare at her in amazement.

Meggie is just the cutest thing ever, we pray together for Mommy to get better and she comes in to give me hugs, kisses and artwork totally unprovoked.  She has discoved the joy of kids movies on the internet, the three of us (if Bill is home) will stack the pillows up in bed, grab the laptop and watch a kids movie.  She gets lots of cuddle time and we will get more time to discuss what we are watching (love the pause button) as we go.  I had to take a trip to the emergency room awhile back, Meggie was a bit under the weather so she went back to see the doctor with me (kill two birds with one stone!) .  While they were sticking my arm with needles I made sure to look straight at her and smile, telling her that what the doctors were doing didn’t hurt enough to complain about and that it was going to make Mommy better.  “Mommy next time I have to go to the doctor I’m going to be princess brave like you.”  How cool is that?  I was “princess brave”.   My beautiful little Meggie is growing up and every day she amazes me more and more.

Even though I feel like death warmed over more often than not as of late, and I’m sure there are days I don’t look much better than that, I am so incredibly thankful my my wonderful husband.  He has been there through everything and I could not ask for a more supportive and loving man.  When you say your weddings vows “in sickness and health” you get visions of growing old together and all the stuff that goes along with that.  You don’t picture being younger and in what should be the prime of your young life.  Throughout our whole relationship I have been sick more often than not, Bill has been to hell and back with me over this time, and I’m looking forward to having many, many, many more years with him (just hopefully healthier too!)

So if I can clear allergy season (ha ha funny! Especially when you live in this allergy ridden part of the country and are allergic to everything, seriously) I am really working at getting somewhat back to the land of the living.  I have focused on the things that are important, my kids and my husband and tried not to think of the things out and about I have missed out on, but focused on the good stuff.  I have missed the land of the living and active and am really trying to make a comeback.  It’s not gonna come quick, or probably even really soon, it’s in a higher powers hands and “helps those who help themselves” is very valid.  The best I can do is be “princess brave” for not only my family but for myself, better days are coming, not that there haven’t already been better days.

Friends

Tags

Friend, Friendships, Life, Love, Relationships, Thoughts

Friend:  A person you know well and regard kindly:  “She was my best friend when we went through our first year of motherhood together.”

Friend:  A supporter either in actions or financially:  “This program is brought to you by friends of WRED.”

Friend:  An ally in any situation:  “He was right there with me kicking butt in that bar fight.” 

Friend:  An example of loyality:  “Even though he is no enemy of mine, he wronged my best friend, therefore I have no reason to care to associate with him.”

Friendship is a fine line to travel.  We guard our true selves close and pick from our fellow humans friends, some of those friends become best friends, and in some cases even closer than family.

One of my oldest best friends and I go back to the very early years of our lives.  Even though we have taken different paths at times in our lives we have remained close.  She moved from the friend file into the family file years ago, she and her family are an extension of mine.  Even though we may not communicate every day I know that we will be friends for the rest of our lives.  She and her husband are my daughters “godparents” so to speak and I couldn’t ask for better for my girls.

Another dear friend of mine is realtively new so to speak.  What started out as a business lunch, a couple of years later we still haven’t shut up.  If my phone bleeps with a text late at night I am 99.9 percent sure it is her texting me her newest idea or responding to mine.  We are different in the ways that give us a fun challenge, yet where things really matter we understand and appreciate the other.  She has made me thankful that I endured the business meeting that was our first interaction.

Someone else I hold dear was a romantic relationship of mine for many years.  Not only close with me but also formed a bond with my daughter. Nowadays even though we are not romantically involved he has transitioned into my best guy friend aside from my husband.  He is a part of the family and we talk just about every day, an odd looking friendship from the outside but that’s never been a concern.

My “sisters” are the family that I have chosen, we chose each other.  They are not of blood and to us that does not matter.  Our individual families have grown accustomed to the extenstions and references.  We don’t take our sisterhood lightly and have been known to fight for it. 

I am extremely blessed to have some very strong and amazing friends.  I can count them on one hand, and even though none of us are “surgically attached” to the other, they are still amazing.

My favorite blessing is my not only my best friend, but he is also my husband.  There is something that is incredible about our friendship, we can talk for hours and never run out of things to talk about.  At the same time we can sit in the quiet just comfortable in the companionship of the other.  We share the same wacky sense of humor and it goes past finishing each others sentences.  I never thought I would be a part of one of those couples, that were not only lovers but the very bestest of best friends, but I am so glad I am.