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So this evening I’m talking to a girlfriend of mine who is getting married soon, she gave me the link to show me a picture of her wedding dress on the Davids Bridal website. Of course after making the comments on her fantastic dress, I had to go do a very girlie (and slightly shameful) thing. I had to see if they still had my dress, a somewhat untraditional number that just screamed “I looked like a cream puff the first time I did this!”

Some bastard got rid of my dress. Oleg Cassini is still on the site, but not the dress. Even though I would probably look like an overstuffed sausage in it, I still wanted it dammit. Strapless, corset top, tight skirt and NO yards of tulle and a skirt big enough to swallow a grocery cart.

Now I’m not planning a march down the aisle, but a girl is still allowed to look. Yes, even though I’m the one that will make gagging noises at all of the “who’s wedding is it” reality shows and roll my eyes at girls gabbing about the insane details of their wedding day.

The first time I did it, it just wasn’t good, not just the wedding but the marriage. Scary. It’s amazing what retrospective makes you realize. Tip: No matter how chic you think it looks, do not wear bright red lipstick on your wedding day. Also do not allow any family members to do the cakes unless they are an actual professional baker. Same story with the flowers. In all reality I look back now and realize it should have been a sign that the marriage was not going to end well considering the wedding was a bust.

The second time I walked down the aisle, there wasn’t even an aisle, it was in the backroom of a local restaurant.

Somewhere along the line as jadded as I really should be, I can’t shake the old school, girlie fantasy of having everything Martha Stewart perfect for that one day. And in all reality, over the years I’ve made myself look past that and realized there’s a helluva lot more to it, it’s not the perfect event, it’s what that perfection symbolizes to me.

It symbolizes what will last, what can start solid and always be solid. What most humans crave, having that deep, loving, committed companionship with that one special person who is just amazing. That maybe if I can get the event right, then I can have a hope of having the marriage go right. Deep down I know that’s really not true, but still, I will never be divorced again.

As one of my good friends told me, and I fully intend to plagiarize and use it one day; “Murder maybe, divorce never.”

In the meantime though, did they have to discontinue the dress?