, , , ,

It’s called “getting through the day”, “surviving” and “trying not to think about it”.

Instead of breaking down and balling my eyes out every five minutes today, I forced myself to adhere to the schedule I’d set the day before, before this.  The schedule that I knew if worked properly would hopefully result in at least two successes. 

Nadda.  I was so not on my game today.  I tried really hard, I didn’t want to tell anyone, I told my boss and two co-workers who I interacted with.  I’m having a hard time saying it, thinking it, because then it’s real.

I don’t deal well with death, I avoid it.

So for lunch I brought shoes.  Pathetically sitting in the parking lot of the shoe store digging around in my wallet to find a credit card and calling to check the balance to see if I had enough.  I had to do something to feel normal, to try to get some happy feeling.

Grandma only saw my MiniMe a couple of time three years ago, the last time we were up North.  There was always a financial issue about getting up there since then.  I cannot do long car trips and the cost of flying up and getting a rental car is just too high.

I remember before Grandma lost her mind, years ago as a teenager, following her thur her house.  She was making a list of things I wanted, that were special to me when she died.  At the time I did it to appease her, didn’t think it would happen for many years and she was just being dramatic.  Looking back it was one of my favorite memories with Grandma.  Because we sat down and talked about different memories and events.  How I used to sit on her lap and play with the music box, and she’d tell me stories about what life was like when she was a little girl.  We’d look at old family photos, various antiques she had from her parents and grandparents, and the stories that belonged to each.

I don’t remember Grandma ever leaving the house without putting on perfume.  She always kept Certs and Lifesavers in her purse for me at church, and made the best chocolate chip cookies.  She loved all of her kids, grandkids, great grandkids and great great grandkids very much, and worried over each one.  More than her family she loved her Lord and believed very strongly in the Seventh Day Adventist Church.  She was very thrilled when at one time when I was engaged to a very nice SDA guy who I took home up North.  Her favorite color was purple and she fussed at me and my cousins for climbing the trees in her backyard.  She attempted to teach me how to garden, and taught me how to use a sewing machine.

So today instead of breaking down and all out grieving, I brought shoes during lunch.

We all have our own ways of coping with loss.