Now anyone who knows me knows what a big Diana fan I was/am. If I see a book about her, I buy it. I have the doll. I had a fantastic replica of her engagement ring from Charles (of which mysteriously disapeared about the time I moved out from the ex). I wanted to use Diana as Meg’s middle name (I was overruled immediately).
I grew up in the 80’s. I dressed up as Princess Di for halloween. I had every paperdoll of her imaginable. I would wear my cardboard tiara from the back of the paperdoll package around the house constantly. I was convinced that one day I would get to meet her. I wanted to dress like her. When she started really getting involved in charites I decided I would do the same thing (just didn’t have a chance to work with land mines in Chattanooga TN… ya know?) I was inspired by her seeing that someone with mental issues and an eating disorder could go on and get past it and do great things.
The night she died was the first time I got drunk.
I was housesitting for some friends of the family and they had a bar in just about every room of the house. They had told me before they left that they didn’t care how much I drank (I was underage) as long as I kept it in the house and didn’t have any friends over. So I tested multiple wines, turned on the hot tub, and introduced myself to Crown Royal Reserve.
I had MTV on the tv (back when they actually played music viedos) and was enjoying my evening of pretending to be an adult. I had enjoyed a fantastic dinner and was quite tipsy. (I didn’t know not to mix my wine and liqour in those days). Sitting there in the bedroom watching cable TV (we didn’t have cable tv at home) when I saw the news report come on MTV, I just stared and immediately started flipping around the channels to find out more, of course after pouring myself more to drink. I stayed awake late as I could keep my eyes open, transfixed to the tv.
In the morning I was woken up by familiy and friends calling. Mom had given out the number where I was staying and everyone knew what a huge fan of Princess Di’s I was. I did not take it well. I don’t remember the hangover. But I do remember sitting on the bench in the shower and staring out the window. I have no clue how long I sat there, but I do remember Mom coming over and being all freaked out about my behaviour.
I felt shallow for mouring someone who I didn’t know personally. But I felt like I did, afterall she was an inspiration to me in many ways. I had been a fan for years. I was never the type of girl to get crazy crushes on movie stars, or poster my room in pics of heart throbs. Eventually just to be like everyone else I did cut out photos of hunks from my Seventeen magizne and taped them all over my closet door, but it just seemed shallow. I was the type that would write poetry on my walls, or lyrics from a favorite song. But I did have my Princess Diana doll on display and would correct the gossip sources when they would get something wrong on her biography or wardrobe. I was also deeply disapointed that I would never get to meet her. It was one of my life goals that one day I would meet Princess Di.
I had four major goals:
1. Get married
2. Have a daughter
3. Have a career in radio
4. Have a book published
5. Meet Princess Diana
Looks like I only have one left.
It was one of the incidents in my life that happened at a pretty young age for one of those large things to happen, that made me question everything and everyone. It made me question myself and try to see where my priorties did lie. It made me think and at a point where I was very fragile already, made me even more so. I was afraid to talk about it too much because I didn’t want to be branded even amongst my friends as a weirdo, or shallow in someway. Now that I look back on that time in my life when this happened, I realize I started on a thought process that influced multiple decisions down the road.
It’s odd what affects each of us in life. How someone who we never might know personally affects us so deeply and profoundly. We may never know who all we reach and touch in our lives, but we can make sure that we reach and touch postively.
With all that said at this late hour (and thankgoodness the pills are starting to work!) I will be wearing black on Friday.