He works for HP in tech support.
Turns out he’s sending me a box via Fed Ex to ship my computer back to HP in. Then they are going to hopefully fix it (wireless card and all) perform some other maintance check up stuff, and then send it back. One week, (probably two counting from yesterday to the time I get the box, to the time it gets to HP and gets fixed, to the time it gets back to me) that I will be working off of my “nice heavy paperweight” that is barely breathing. Fun times!